I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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