A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
