i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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