I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
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