RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
