DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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