just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
