Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Randomize
