btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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