He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
