even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
