just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
