the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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