Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
