I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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