she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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