I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
