Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
