why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Just high enough for therapy.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize