man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
