Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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