Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize