What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
