i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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