i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
