Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
