i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
