So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
