nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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