Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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