my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
