i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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