he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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