He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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