so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
