i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
