So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
