I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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