the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
