dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Randomize
