The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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