got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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