made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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