I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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