Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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