How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
