well you can't waste a boner
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
