so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
