i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
