he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
home. puking in laundry basket.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
