First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
