happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
