I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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