Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
