you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
