I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
