im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
