I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Randomize
