so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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