I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
