I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize